Harry Potter and the Double Identities
by sprinklesandphoenix
Summary: This story has changed abit...so is now under another name The Food Basket. For more please visit the newly titled story.
1. Chapter 1: Harry in Therapy

_Harry Potter and the Double Identities._

_Chapter One:_

_Harry and Therapy._

"Hi. I'm Harry, and I'm a bird."

"Hi Harry." The group chimed back at him. Harry sat back down on his tiny wooden chair and gazed around the circle. Having been the last to introduce himself, they got down to business. The group consisted of many disturbed individuals, there was; Tolkien-the very unhobbit-like self-proclaimed hobbit; George Bush- famous president of the United States of America-who thinks of himself as a munchkin; Stephen King- a gunslinger?-a very weird looking one if so; Tony Blair-the fairy wearing a tutu; the one known only as the Doctor; and 'Sam'-the pirate.

Dr Freud started pacing the floor behind them, ready to strike.

"'Sam'! Tell us all your problems. We will fix you! This group has magical powers!" Freud bounced, waving his arms in the air emphatically. Harry peered around the group- definitely not... none of these people could possibly possess any magical power-they're all too...just no. Staring at Freud he tried to work it out-he hadn't told anyone of his powers-how could Freud possibly know?...or did he even know? The old man stumbled in his excitement, his grey hair sticking out all over the place-in his own little world-he definitely didn't know, concluded Harry, thank god!

'Sam' stood up; swaying violently as if he had just drank six bottles of rum to himself. Clutching at his belt and sticking out his chest in an effort to steady himself- or something- he began:

"Well, its Felicity" he burst into uncontrollable tears as he spoke her name. After a few seconds, he continued-fiddling with his dirty blonde plaited beard.

"She just won't speak to me anymore-I don't know what I've done wrong- and we've got to start sorting the wedding-it's only a week away..." he ranted at the unsuspecting circle of curious faces.

"Awww." Was the general consensus.

"Err...sorry...but whom is Felicity?" Harry's voice came out no louder than a whisper. Flushing red, he tried to hide his face- wishing he had never spoken-everyone was staring at him.

"Argh, good question me boy!" grunted Freud and redirected the question to ' Sam'.

"You've never met Felicity?!" 'Sam' cried incredulously. Most of the group shook their heads, except for George Bush- who nodded his head enthusiastically, thought for a second, and then shook his head.

"But she's my fiancée!" He peered around hopefully, but only saw looks of confusion, and blank stupidity. A wicked grin played across his face.

"But she's here! I'll introduce you! She's the most wonderful character you will ever meet! The conversations we've had! The feelings we share!" And with that, he pulled out a humungous rucksack from underneath his chair (the Doctor yawns, apparently uninterested) and rummaged around, chucking an assortment of items aside, including; the jaws of life and a rubber duckie.

"Eureka! I've found her!" He screeched in a cheap Swedish accent. Harry gripped the sides of his chair, hoping that this wasn't another one of his 'episodes'.

"Tada!" 'Sam' whipped out a hideous lime green straw hat, with a very furry mushroom protruding from the rim and an orange spotty ribbon.

"Felicity, meet...everyone!"

SILENCE

"Oh Felicity! Darling, honey-bunch, love of my life! Why won't you speak to me?! Just one measly word..."

SILENCE

"Oh darling, what have I done to deserve this silent treatment?! Please I can't take it anymore!"

Shocked, in awe, damn petrified in Harry's case, they all stared, some in disbelief others intently trying to work out why Felicity wouldn't talk to 'Sam'. And Stephen King, waving shyly to Felicity, waiting for a response.

"Ach, enough of this codswallop!" Tolkien rose from is chair- grabbed hold of an unsuspecting Freud, with a vice-like grip, and roared;

"Frodo! We must get outta 'ere, this is a waste of our time! We must travel to Mordor at once! The ring must be destroyed! Hobbits must survive- we are the superior race! The ring must be destroyed- cumon!" And with that...rather peculiar speech, he upped and left- yanking Freud along behind him, the door slamming shut with a loud crunch.

SILENCE

"Hurray! Now we can dance!" Tony Blair cried and swung Bush around frantically. The Doctor and the gunslinger- formally known as King- stared at the closed door, willing it to open with the power of their minds, that, or they had seen a mouse...

'Sam' continued raving at Felicity, blissfully unaware of his surroundings anymore, while Harry curled up in a ball in the corner, wishing for the floor to swallow him whole- realised that was impossible for now and proceeded to run away as fast as he could, never to return again, EVER, or at least until next Tuesday.


	2. Chapter 2: Harry's new Obsession

A/N: We forgot the disclaimer in the first chapter so here it is now, and it goes for the first chapter, this chapter and all subsequent chapters.

Disclaimer: We do not own anything to do with Harry Potter or anything/anyone else mentioned in this fic.

_Chapter Two:_

_Harry's new Obsession._

The great hall was practically empty when Ron came down for lunch. He sat down next to Hermione who, had buried herself in a large book for a little 'light reading'.

Harry burst into the entrance hall, wide eyed, soaked to the skin and splattered in mud. He strode over in a flurry of panic and sat himself between Ron and Hermione with a rather loud squelch.

"Ruddy hell, what happened to you?!" Ron proclaimed. Harry shot him a death-glare- indicating that Ron should not talk for at least a century. Oblivious to this exchange of pleasantries, Hermione piped up;

"So how's your...problem going Harry?"

"Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken, lay a little egg for meee-ow!"

THWACK! Harry passed the large book back to Hermione. As Ron rubbed the back of his head, he placed the piece of chicken he had been playing with back onto his plate.

"Harry! Really, that is no way to treat such a rare book!" Ron glowed red as he mumbled into his plate of roast chicken;

"Wasn't even talking about Harry...likes her books more than mrphffl..."

"So how was it then Harry?" Hermione asked.

"I'm scarred for life! On my god! What am I guna do?! Why can I never be normal?! Argh, I'm scarred for life! Ooo chicken!" Harry gesticulated wildly before grabbing the plate of chicken near to Ron with a squeal of delight.

"Isn't that, like, cannibalism?" Hermione responded curiously, tapping her finger to her lips.

"God damn it!" Harry slammed his fists on the table, accidentally hitting Ron without noticing.

"Now I can't even eat poultry anymore! Why does everything always happen to me?!"

"What is it? Pick on Ron day?!" the red head asked grumpily. Harry shot him another glare, when he stuffed more chicken in his mouth.

"Mhat 'id fi 'o mfow?"

"Urgh, Ron, don't talk with your mouth full! Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"

"'ey! Leave off my mother, O.K?!" Ron tried to gather authority in his voice- failed- and carried on eating, avoiding Hermione's scowl.

"psst, it's pick on Ron day, pass it on!" the murmur carried down the table, much to Ron's annoyance and embarrassment.

_**BANG! CRASH! THWACK! BANG!**_

The noise echoed throughout the hall as plate upon plate, full of food clattered to the floor behind the trio. Harry turned to see what the commotion was, finding that it had come from the Slytherin table he peered closer at the wriggling mass of bodies trying to save their meals. Drawing his wand as he spotted Draco Malfoy making an abrupt exit as quietly and inconspicuously as he could. Harry sprang (BIONG!) to his feet, rushing towards the double doors in pursuit of the fleeing figure.

(SQUELCH! SMACK! SQUOOSH! SQUELCH!)

"Argh...Dobby?!" he cried out in surprise. Harry had just screeched to a halt attempting to avoid the small house elf. However, he could not stop his momentum, and ended up colliding with the elf's small frame and sending both of them flying, ending up in a heap on the floor of the entrance hall, nearly knocking over the house's cups of points. Slightly out of breath, and a little worse for wear Dobby straightened himself up, brushed himself down and reached for Harry's hand to pull him to his feet. Harry accepted the offer of help and placed his glasses back on; _Reparo_he could see again! Slightly apprehensively the elf stuttered;

"Ah...Harry Potter sir...I is wanting a...err...word with you, err, sir."He finished lamely.

"Sorry Dobby, now? I can't. I've um, got to go somewhere."Harry replied in a rush, staring down the hallway, where he had seen Draco Malfoy escape down. (No doubt going down to the dungeons, to the Slytherin common room.) Harry made an involuntary movement, to follow his prey, but Dobby wasn't going to back down that easily.

"Err, no sis, Harry...sir. It can't wait."

"But Dobby...not now-ow!" Harry's leg had been wrenched out from underneath him, he spun around trying to regain his balance and fell. Fell upwards. _Upwards? _He thought slightly confused. Harry Potter in all his glory was hanging upside-down by his ankle, red in the face and furious with the small, overly dressed elf, in the middle of the entrance hall. His wand clattered to the floor from his hand as this turn of events had taken him completely by surprise- he was now at Dobby's mercy. The elf was shaking uncontrollably, hating himself for doing this to his friend, he hadn't listened, but Dobby had to punish himself anyway.

"Harry Potter sir, I, um, err, I..."

"Dobby! Let me down, I get the message; we'll talk, just let me the hell down!!!" Harry puffed his face bright red and feeling kinda dizzy.

KAFLUMP!

"Thank you..." Harry spoke weakly, and attempted to stumble to his feet. Dobby shifted his weight from foot to foot, staring at the floor.

"Umm, errrrm, hmmm, um ...err..."

"Dobby, please! Just spit it out!"

"...you...you...you...errr...you...um...you...can't do it! I won't let you!" Dobby became bolder as he continued, "You can't cut off your wings!" Harry was speechless, he opened his mouth but nothing came out, so he tried again.

"What the hell gave you the idea I was going to...going to...do that!!!" Harry yelled. He was so loud that the whole of Hogwarts could've heard him. A crowd started to form as people began to drift out of the great hall.

"Look what's happened now! No one is supposed to know! I hate you! Don't ever talk to me again!" Harry screeched, and ran away as fast as he could down the nearest corridor. Fortunately, it was the same way Draco had used to escape.

Harry was back in the Gryffindor common room, sitting in an armchair by the fire. Ron, Ginny, Neville and Hermione sat in chairs around him.

"I told you, he's up to something. There's something going on with Draco Malfoy! Why won't you listen to me!"

"Harry, we told you already, it's not that we're not listening, we just don't believe you. He probably got caught up in the whole food falling off the table and got covered in it. Ran off coz he wanted to change his robes. You know how he is, too proud to be seen covered in food." Hermione reasoned, _not this AGAIN._

"No I'm sure, there's something up with this! I'm serious!"

"Harry your obsessed, something always has to be wrong with Draco according to you, just drop it..."

The conversation of Draco's motives continued long into the night, until the huddle of friends could barely focus due to lack of sleep. Finally they left for bed, albeit reluctantly in Harry's case, he was in for another restless night.


	3. Chapter 3: Surprises

_Chapter Three:_

_Surprises._

"Boo!"

"God Pansy, will you stop it." Draco Malfoy was not in a good mood, he had barely slept due to the weirdness of his incomprehensible dreams he had been having of late.

"What's up with you lately? You're moody and act as if you don't wana be friends with us lot anymore. I even saw you hanging around with that girl the other day."Malfoy raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"You know, Lolita. That mudblood, Slytherin wannabe."

"She is a Slytherin."

"Hmph, what's she got that I don't?"

"Where do you want me to start? She's prettier, smarter, and nicer. Is that enough for you or do you want me to go on?" Pansy Parkinson walked away, upset beyond words. Her role model, her high school crush, Malfoy had just ditched her; he had been acting weird all month, what was going on?

Draco rubbed his face, suppressing a yawn as he left the Slytherin common room to make his way down to the great hall. Rounding the corner and continuing up the hallway, his stomach gave an audible rumble. Not surprising really, he hadn't eaten since yesterday lunchtime- after that fiasco he couldn't face it, thank god nobody noticed.

Draco entered the great hall, proceeded to the Slytherin table and sat down alone. Within five minutes he was joined by the one person whose company he could stand at the moment, Lolita. It was strange really, a month ago he would have made snide comments and disregarded her, but now...she was the only one he could turn to. The only one who could understand/who does understand. She tenderly grasped his hand and brought it up a bit higher.

"You're nails are getting atrocious, we're going to have to do a manicure session."

" Hell no! I'm not poofy!"

"Poofy?!"

"Poof like, poofy, a poof. None of the above am I!"

"But, you'll look so cute with purple nail varnish!!!It's the in thing for baddies such as yourself!"

"Bugger off!"

"Bu..."

"Bugger off!"

Lolita opened her mouth as if to continue arguing, but she was beaten to it...

"Ahh...no! The end."

"Oh alright then..."She pouted as she accepted defeat...for now. She opened his cupped hand and began to make patterns running her finger across his palm, as was her way. She traced around the strange black marks that adorned his hands, causing a reluctant smile to appear across his face.

Ever since Harry had seen Malfoy walk into the great hall, he had been staring, watching him as closely as possible from the furthest table away from where he sat. Hermione and Ron glanced nervously at him, concern written all over their faces. Harry looked awful, his eyes were surrounded by big black circles, his face was blotchy and his whole body shook- if only he had been able to sleep for more than twenty minutes he might not have been so on edge.

Harry started to wring his hands as he watched apprehensively; Lolita was approaching Malfoy- but why? She was the only Slytherin who was nice, the only one anyone of his friends got on with. He was sure it was a mistake that she was placed into that house. _Malfoys__ talking to her?__ What's going on?! He doesn't talk to her...They look like they're friends?_ This wasn't right, something's definitely gone awry.

"Why won't you believe me? Something's up with Malfoy and your just sitting there! Is it so out there that it's not possible?! I mean look, right now look..."

"Harry please calm down, you're ranting..."

"Just look." He hissed in return. Ron and Hermione turned to glance over in Malfoy's general direction.

"Well?!"

"Harry, mate. I'll admit that's a little strange, but she is a Slytherin, it's probably nothing." Ron tried to phrase his words carefully. Harry glowered at them, fuming; he stood up and walked over to the doors and out into the entrance hall.

He had to tell someone, the headmaster would know what to do. He made his way up to the entrance to his office, and strode over to the gargoyle;

"Password?" boomed the stone figure.

_What if he doesn't believe me?! He won't believe me..._ "I'm a bird for god's sake..." _Of course he won't believe...eh?!_

Harry recoiled, the gargoyle had moved away but instead of stairs appearing going upwards to the Headmaster's office, they went down, _down to where? _Cool air rushed past his face, from the depths below. Cautiously Harry moved closer, he removed his wand from his pocket, holding it out in front of him and made the decision to see where it leads. His footsteps echoed around him as the stone figure leapt back into place, plunging the stairwell into darkness. He froze, his breath ringing in his ears;

_Lumos_he exhaled the words, causing a warm yellow light to appear above his wand tip. He took a deep breath and then continued down the small winding steps, further and further down into the bowels of Hogwarts.

Suddenly the walls opened up exposing an oval room bathed in darkness, a weak stream of light protruded into the room from a slit in the doorway opposite him. It was completely empty, but as Harry walked across to the source of the light, he noticed an intricate design on the floor, like a mosaic. Wondering what it portrayed he pressed the palm of his hand against the cool wooden surface of the door, applying a tiny amount of pressure.

The door gave way, light spilling out of the room Harry entered with a gasp.

"Oh my god, what the hell is this?" He exclaimed in surprise. The room was huge and square, three walls were covered from floor to ceiling in bookshelves, containing works of calibre that Harry could only imagine. He ran his hands through his soft dark hair, and continued to study the room. There were four armchairs by the fire; scarlet and gold, silver and green, yellow and black and blue and bronze- one for each of the houses! Over by the one wall that didn't contain bookshelves a tapestry of the Hogwarts crest was hanging on the wall. A table sat near there with four chairs.

_This is amazing! I wonder where those passageways lead._ Turning in a full circle Harry observed five doorways leading out of the room, including the one he had entered by.

"What the hell are you doing here?! How they hell did you get in here?!"

Harry span around, to come face to face with..."Malfoy?!"


End file.
